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whitefang
January 5th, 2008, 12:25 PM
The forest looked golden in the autom sunlight, the world bright.The birds were twitering and roebuck was everywhere, but something was wrong. Triss could sense it.

Back at camp, the mage had told Triss of a brother of hers. she had told her that her brother did not know of her and her mother had died.Triss had never known her family so she had decided to go find him in seal clan.

Triss had lived near the sea mother for two days now and Triss didn't like the silence around the air.

"Who are you?" said a male voice.

Triss grabbed her knife and spun round. A man grabbed her knife arm and twisted it. Triss leaped behind the man and dug her knee into his back. She jumped back and ran at him again only this time with her knife. She pointed it at his throat.

"Who are you?" she said.

The man had a seal skin parka with some blubber poking out from his parka's neck. He looked ragged. He had blood on his face and stood about 6 foot tall.

"I am of seal clan. What about you?" he answered.

Triss debated with herself whether to tell him the truth.

"I am Triss of Viper clan. I am looking for Blaise of seal clan. Do you know him?" she asked carefully, knife drawn at the ready.

" I am Blaise of seal clan. What is it you seek from me?" the man said.

Triss sat up and a look of joy swept across her face. She put her knife back into it's sheath.

"I am your sister, Blaise." Triss said it dully as if she was bored. The truth was she was thrilled to bits.

Blaise started to run away. Triss ran after him a little, shouting things like 'whats wrong'. He didn't answer so Triss went back to her clan drowning in sorrow. She had done what she had set out to do. There was no need for her to stay here. As she headed back to Viper Rocks she thought about the sea mother and turned. She ran tho the sea mother and made an offering of grass. she started on the long way home, thinking of her brother.

When she reached her clan, Blaise was already there. He was in the leaders tent, yelling something about 'not telling'. Triss realized that her brother didn't want a sister in that instant. She got her hunting gear and ran out of camp. triss She started to cry as soon as she was out of hearing range with her clan. She saw Blaise running towards her. Then she fainted.

Triss woke up and found herself in a seal clan tent. She looked down and saw that she had a seal parka on instead of her forest one.

" Hello little sister" said a man as he walked through the doorway. Triss squinted and saw that the man was Blaise. She jumped up and hugged him.

" Your now seal clan, i think" he said.

" Thank you" said Triss.

Later that day, Triss found out that her mother lived in seal clan aswell as her brother.

At night Triss walked to her mothers tent and asked why Blaise had changed his mind.

" He told me that you remind him of his father" her mother said.

Triss walked to her own tent and whispered.

"Thank you world spirit, thank you"

She sat under the moonlight an sighed happily. Blaise came up behind her and they hugged.

" I never knew i had a sister and responded wronly. im sorry" he whispered



*its the best i could do. wish me luck:horseshoe::horseshoe:*


* I don't have word count... Can u tell me where to find it.*

Akhlut
January 5th, 2008, 12:34 PM
That's rly good! :thumb:

Hmmm.... Maybe an ickle bit more description? Make it a bit longer, too :D

It's a cool story though :smile: :cheer2:

Akky
x.X.x

whitefang
January 5th, 2008, 12:34 PM
ok thanks ill do it now

FlameWolf
January 5th, 2008, 02:40 PM
Hey white fang! It's a really good story! But it could (just like Akky said) be a bit longer.

whitefang
January 5th, 2008, 02:41 PM
Hey white fang! It's a really good story! But it could (just like Akky said) be a bit longer.

its hard to get it longer

any ideas

Daenerys
January 5th, 2008, 02:50 PM
Other than a grammatical error and a lack of description, its good!

She jumped back. And ran at him again only this time with her knife. - This is a fragment. There shouldn't be a period after 'back'. Just make it all one sentence, 'kay?

I would suggest you add a bit more on the end, like what happens between the 2 of them. Does Blaise ever accept hr as his sister, or is there forever a separation between them?

And as for description, what exactly did the mage tell Triss about her brother? And what does Blasie look like? Stuff like that would be good.

whitefang
January 5th, 2008, 03:27 PM
Thanks for ur help

Its my first one

Akhlut
January 5th, 2008, 03:53 PM
Hmmm... Maybe add something that a stone age person might say onto the end. Like;

'Triss understood then that the World Spirit had helped her and knew that she could trust him to do the same again. To guide her whenever she needed leading.'

Something like that. Cause the Stone Age people were extremely religious in that way.

It's rly cool though. I like the extra bit you've put on the end ;)

I'll count the words for you, whitefang. One minute... :ranger:

Akhlut
January 5th, 2008, 03:56 PM
487 words exactly. :smile:

Daenerys
January 5th, 2008, 04:07 PM
Much better, although maybe you could say why Blaise had a change of heart? You've got more room. It's just a suggestion. :)

whitefang
January 5th, 2008, 04:13 PM
how bout now

Akhlut
January 5th, 2008, 04:28 PM
That's really brilliant =] Well done ;D

whitefang
January 5th, 2008, 04:33 PM
thanks but u could do it better

Zach
January 5th, 2008, 09:41 PM
its realy good, i think you should put somthing extra on at the end when she says "thank you" something like her and her brother hug or mabey she says abit more, the ending is abit short. but i think its very good. i could never do it lol.

Well done *pats whitefang on the back*

whitefang
January 5th, 2008, 09:41 PM
sure u could

Zach
January 5th, 2008, 09:48 PM
na im rubbish at writing, but thanks! :)

anyway ive got to go, ill be on tomorrow

whitefang
January 5th, 2008, 09:49 PM
ok thanks 4 ur help

Ouch
January 5th, 2008, 10:15 PM
Right ... I've had a gander and what Ive come up with is ..

maybe a bit more emoticon like when she finally realizes he's her brother ...

" She lowered her knife , her hand now shaking in a mix of excitement and anxiety. As she stepped back allowing him some space , a tear of joy fell down her check but the joy changed to confusion as he ran away from her ."

you cant use that though x] that would be cheating =p

drifter
January 5th, 2008, 10:24 PM
i REALLY like it *smiles*

and that is really good for on the spot writing at-one-with-the-wolves *raises eye-brows and nods briefly to show she is impressed*

whitefang
January 6th, 2008, 09:21 AM
thanks everyone

Ouch
January 6th, 2008, 01:56 PM
xD thanks drifter

chiwawagirl
January 7th, 2008, 03:04 AM
wow that is good

corlupa
January 13th, 2008, 10:51 PM
It's good i like it!