WolfWanderer

I'm sure it has happened to us all at some point. You're on the Internet, and there is something crucial that you need to do. And just at that moment, your computer, as if it has a mind of its own, seems to say, No, I don't want to do that. I'm going to become really slow and do everything in my power to stop you. Sound familiar? Well, this happened to me the other day - and it just so happened to coincide with Michelle Paver's live ClanCast.

At five to three on Sunday afternoon, I settled down in front of my PC with a glass of water and a cheese sandwhich, eagerly awaiting the broadcast and telling some seriously corny jokes on the chatroom. Then at last, the legendary Voice of Admin boomed from the speakers and Michelle appeared, smiling, sporting her usual pair of headphones and seal-claw necklace. Everything seemed to be going well.

And then it happened.

Just minutes into the broadcast, after a few Clanners' questions had been answered, the picture froze. Poor Michelle was paralysed mid-word, so that she seemed to be pulling a rather strange face. But - the audio kept playing in the background! Fortunately this problem didn't last, and Michelle was soon free to move once again. But then it happened again. And again. And again. And now the audio had started cutting out as well! By the time things had got moving again, everyone was going wild on the chatroom - what had I missed? The Virtual Museum video. I was speechless.

Then I had an idea. Maybe things would speed up a little if I stopped trying to use the chatroom, and kept the cursor still. And low and behold - it worked! There was still a bit of lag, but at least it was watchable. Now I could relax, in the knowledge that my enjoyment of the ClanCast would no longer be disrupted.

But I was wrong.

About an hour into the broadcast, just minutes before the Dark Matter film premiere, something strange began to occur. The taskbar at the bottom of my screen vanished. Once again, Michelle froze and fell silent. I thought frantically - what was causing this to happen? Then, the horrible truth dawned.

I'd kept the mouse still. I'd been idle for ten minutes. My computer was trying to load the screensaver.

The screen went white. I gaped in horror as, with agonising slowness, the screensaver appeared. Frame by frame, a hand-drawn seagull landed in hand-drawn sand. Frame by frame, a crab scuttled by. A tranquil seaside scene. I didn't feel tranquil at all.

Frantically, I shook the mouse. The hard drive wheezed and groaned. Haha, it sneered in computer language. You'll never get to watch the Dark Matter premiere!

In its own time, the screensaver vanished, but in its place, I was met by a horrible sight (or should I say site?). The UStream website was still there, but the video and chatroom boxes were blank. And the cursor wouldn't move. All my hopes of watching the rest of the live ClanCast had been shattered.

I had no choice but to press the off switch. I had been utterly defeated. By a machine.

Fortunately, I was able to re-watch the ClanCast later that evening, and thoroughly enjoyed it. But I don't think I'll try to watch anything live in the future...